Tag Archive | fear

Embracing Self and Accepting Permission

Apparently, I was correct in concluding that I feel uncomfortable with shifting my focus onto Self. So uncomfortable, in fact, that it caused me to begin to feel pulled back towards the very thing I am trying to escape…a complicated plate filled with things that don’t fuel my passions.

For those who have been following along, this concept of truly putting my goals and aspirations first threw me so off balance that I haven’t been able to find the words, yet I have been immersed in thought. I haven’t blogged for 9 days, yet I’ve been drowning in words and lost in emotion. Crazy, right? Surrounded by words, but unable to use them? So much for the 30 day blog challenge.

But, I am not going to allow my failed attempt to blog for 30 days straight cause me to end my journey for Clarity. I am simply going to pick up where I left off and try to make some sense of this confusion. I’m going to try to give myself permission to be selfish.

To be successful, you have to be selfish, or else you never achieve. And once you get to your highest level, then you have to be unselfish. Stay reachable. Stay in touch. Don’t Isolate. ~Michael Jordan

In addition to being selfless to a fault, I seem to have trouble accepting my limitations. My dear friend Angie, who is also on a similar quest for Clarity, read a quote to me about accepting your limitations. It immediately triggered my control response, and my first thought was if I accept my limitations, then I am no longer in control and must wave the white flag of capitulation. It will be as if I have surrendered…become conquered and defeated. Imagine that…A Selfless Control Freak! Such an oxymoron.

And, now that I’m thinking about it (because, I am completely free-styling this blog post), maybe I did do exactly what I said I would do in my last post. I Sat with Myself in the weird place of Awkwardness & Discomfort. I really did. It’s not important that I didn’t blog each day. What’s important is that I continued to focus on my journey. I continued to focus on gaining Clarity. I wrestled with my thoughts and emotions. I allowed myself to be pulled back and forth, to and fro. And that’s truly all that matters.

In the past 9 days, I have come face-to-face with fear, anxiety, emotional turbulence and the like. I have come to grips with what I have to do, and have realized that sometimes there is a distinct difference between what you want to do and what you choose to do. In a way, maybe that is me accepting my limitations. It is also me realizing that in order to grow and move toward something better, you have to be willing to let go of some things in the here and now. You have to be willing to sacrifice the things that can be perceived as good in order to gain that which is great.

There is nothing bad about the freelance jobs and projects that I am involved with…nothing bad about them, at all. They just simply do not serve any purpose when it comes to furthering my dreams and goals for my business. They just happen to not be good for me.

I believe they may also be a crutch, an excuse, a way to hide my fear…Fear of transitioning, transforming, changing and growing.

So, right here, today, I give myself permission…Permission to be selfish. Permission to accept my limitations. Permission to feel out-of-control. Permission to let go and grow. Permission to be fearful without being paralyzed. And, yes, even Permission to skip a blog post.

“Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.” ~Bill Cosby

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Embrace your true Self and all the Creativity & Inspiration that lies within.
~The Creole Magnolia
(Artist: Jerod AleXander Davies)

Sometimes Life isn’t about finding your voice, finding yourself, or finding your passion. Sometimes Life is just about giving yourself Permission to use what already Exists Within. However, in order to that, you must Embrace Self and Accept the Permission that has been granted.

 

 

 

The Bird, Self Doubt and the Crossroads

Many thanks to Jeffrey Scott Villafane for his talented eye and for inspiring me, through his work, to consider the possibilities.

Look at this picture. What do you see?

Some may see what appears to be obvious…2 birds on a limb, in the fall, facing opposite directions. Some may delve slightly deeper and see 2 quarreling lovers, unable to compromise, challenged by the uncertainty of the future of their relationship.

While those interpretations seem quite possible, they’re not at all what I see.

What if I agitated your intelligence by disputing the one thing that appears to be factual in this photograph? What if I told you there is, in fact, only one bird and that the one farthest away is, simply, an illusion?

Humor me for a moment, as I encourage you to explore the possibilities…

The bird closest to the lens is real. The camera is focused on her and her beauty. WE are focused on her and her beauty. Her full, plush feathers in delicate hues of brown capture the gazes of all who come her way. Her head and neck, dipped in a vivacious shade of red, speak volumes of her fiery personality. And when she speaks, she sings a song that dazzles and inspires even the hardest of hearts.

However, despite her unparalleled beauty and unique gifts, her confidence has become clouded by fear. As she peers into the blurry beyond, she hears the voices of self doubt. The voices become so loud they materialize. They are given breath, and they take shape. This negative energy, that has taken on a life of its own, happily escorts her to a crossroads. And, it nudges her, again and again, toward the path of despair.

You see, the second bird–the illusion that sits quietly, yet ever present in the background–is the manifestation of her fear and self-doubt. It resembles her, slightly. But, only because it’s a parasite that feeds off of a small part of her…an undesirable part of her. Its plumes are no where near as plush. And that vibrant, crimson headdress, that could only be worn by one who exudes boldness…nonexistent. It is no match for her. It just seems stronger right now.

Void of pleasant melodies, this bird in the background only utters, “Who do you think you are? You are not good enough. You will never succeed. You cannot achieve greatness. Everything you touch fails. Stop dreaming and get real! You have no confidence. You will fall on your face. No one will ever take you seriously!”

Though she dwells atop the highest tree, on the highest bough, overlooking the grandest view, this beautiful creature is caged. She is caged by her own fears, afraid to grant herself permission to fly.

~

I have invested a large amount of time in my personal journey of discovery, a decade, in fact. So, I KNOW who I am. I KNOW what my passions are…what I dream to be…how I view the world…and, most importantly, how I view myself. But even after 10 years of truly getting to know myself…accepting myself, flaws and all…exploring the dark spaces of my soul…even after emerging more confident, sassy and courageous than ever, I am currently experiencing a profound moment of uncertainty.

Initially, this uncertainty threw me for a loop.

If you’ve been keeping up with me, then you know that turning 40 was a monumental occasion for me. It was symbolic of my successful completion of my Decade of Discovery and marked the beginning of my Decade of Enlightenment. This uncertainty caused me to doubt the success of my journey to personal discovery. Fortunately, I quickly abandoned that destructive thought. You see, this is NOT uncertainty of WHO I AM, WHAT I STAND FOR or WHAT MY HOPES and DREAMS ARE. It is uncertainty of HOW I will USE who I am, my gifts and my passions to ACHIEVE these hopes and dreams.

After banishing that thought, I have found myself exactly where I need to be. This uncertainty is necessary on my new road to ENLIGHTENMENT. It is not a set back, as I originally deemed it to be. It is a sign of progress. This uncertainty is challenging me to connect the dots. It is challenging me to take a spiritual journey. After all, my Decade of Enlightenment is all about attaining spiritual knowledge. Without it, I cannot fulfill my purpose of inspiring others.

One vital lesson that I have learned is when I am in the midst of uncertainty, doubt and fear, I must allow myself to dwell there for a period of time. Not because I am giving in to those voices of self-doubt. Not because I am allowing the fear to take control. But because I allow myself time to sit in that uncomfortable place in order to come face-to-face with its cause, I conquer it and emerge stronger.

That is where I have been. I’ve been in a place of darkness and stillness. I have had to RETREAT, regroup, RETHINK, refresh, RENEW, reaffirm, REFORM, rekindle, REASSEMBLE, replenish, REALIZE, reassess, RESTRUCTURE, re-dream, RE-DRAW, recondition, REORGANIZE, reawaken, RESUSCITATE, revive, REJUVENATE, restore, REPAIR…and, most importantly, prepare to RE-ATTACK!

I have said it before…Sometimes We Must Dwell In Darkness In Order To Appreciate The Light!! Likewise, we must exist within that same uncertainty before we can be Enlightened.

~

My current state has been marked by much meditation and reflection, and a significant truth has been revealed to me. I have often accused others of caging me, hoarding my beauty and talents. They were my scapegoats…my excuse for not setting myself free…my excuse for not granting myself permission to fly. Truth be told, I am the only one guilty of hiding my beauty from the world.

Fear and self-doubt are powerful forces…

Look at the picture again…Do you see me? Yes, I am the bird…filled with self-doubt…at a crossroads.

Can I ever believebelieve in myself? Can I ever find freedom in the fall, knowing I will spread my wings and take flight? Can you? Can you believe…believe in yourself?

Yes, I think we can…

In fact, I know we can.

~

Thank you for sharing in my first lesson of my Decade of Enlightenment. Join me on my journey…SUBSCRIBE.