Apparently, I was correct in concluding that I feel uncomfortable with shifting my focus onto Self. So uncomfortable, in fact, that it caused me to begin to feel pulled back towards the very thing I am trying to escape…a complicated plate filled with things that don’t fuel my passions.
For those who have been following along, this concept of truly putting my goals and aspirations first threw me so off balance that I haven’t been able to find the words, yet I have been immersed in thought. I haven’t blogged for 9 days, yet I’ve been drowning in words and lost in emotion. Crazy, right? Surrounded by words, but unable to use them? So much for the 30 day blog challenge.
But, I am not going to allow my failed attempt to blog for 30 days straight cause me to end my journey for Clarity. I am simply going to pick up where I left off and try to make some sense of this confusion. I’m going to try to give myself permission to be selfish.
To be successful, you have to be selfish, or else you never achieve. And once you get to your highest level, then you have to be unselfish. Stay reachable. Stay in touch. Don’t Isolate. ~Michael Jordan
In addition to being selfless to a fault, I seem to have trouble accepting my limitations. My dear friend Angie, who is also on a similar quest for Clarity, read a quote to me about accepting your limitations. It immediately triggered my control response, and my first thought was if I accept my limitations, then I am no longer in control and must wave the white flag of capitulation. It will be as if I have surrendered…become conquered and defeated. Imagine that…A Selfless Control Freak! Such an oxymoron.
And, now that I’m thinking about it (because, I am completely free-styling this blog post), maybe I did do exactly what I said I would do in my last post. I Sat with Myself in the weird place of Awkwardness & Discomfort. I really did. It’s not important that I didn’t blog each day. What’s important is that I continued to focus on my journey. I continued to focus on gaining Clarity. I wrestled with my thoughts and emotions. I allowed myself to be pulled back and forth, to and fro. And that’s truly all that matters.
In the past 9 days, I have come face-to-face with fear, anxiety, emotional turbulence and the like. I have come to grips with what I have to do, and have realized that sometimes there is a distinct difference between what you want to do and what you choose to do. In a way, maybe that is me accepting my limitations. It is also me realizing that in order to grow and move toward something better, you have to be willing to let go of some things in the here and now. You have to be willing to sacrifice the things that can be perceived as good in order to gain that which is great.
There is nothing bad about the freelance jobs and projects that I am involved with…nothing bad about them, at all. They just simply do not serve any purpose when it comes to furthering my dreams and goals for my business. They just happen to not be good for me.
I believe they may also be a crutch, an excuse, a way to hide my fear…Fear of transitioning, transforming, changing and growing.
So, right here, today, I give myself permission…Permission to be selfish. Permission to accept my limitations. Permission to feel out-of-control. Permission to let go and grow. Permission to be fearful without being paralyzed. And, yes, even Permission to skip a blog post.
“Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.” ~Bill Cosby
Sometimes Life isn’t about finding your voice, finding yourself, or finding your passion. Sometimes Life is just about giving yourself Permission to use what already Exists Within. However, in order to that, you must Embrace Self and Accept the Permission that has been granted.